We Have a Problem
by xotakux2002x
Summary: wherein the issues found within the Akatsuki are discussed and handled in a most unorthodox way. contains bits of yaoi, but nothing more serious than fluff and implied hard stuff.


"I suppose you're wondering why I've called you here today," Pein stated, looking around the room at his organization. Deidara and Sasori were sitting on the couch with the blonde in Sasori's lap. Itachi was sitting on the end of the couch with Kisame standing behind him. Zetsu and Tobi were in the armchairs, and Kakuzu and Hidan were standing on opposite ends of the room. Konan and Pein stood in the front of the room.

"Is this about the exploding fridge incident?" Itachi asked. "Because that was entirely Deidara's fault-"

"At least I didn't kill the pizza guy, un! Now no one will deliver here, un!"

"Even the sushi guy. And he loves making fun of me!" Kisame stated.

"The guy had it coming."

"Had it coming, had it coming. If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it, you would have done the same-NOT GUILTY!"

The group shot Tobi a brief look at his song before resuming the fight. Hidan glared across the room at Kakuzu, while Zetsu tried to nibble on Tobi's arm. "That's why you people are in here!" Everyone turned to look at Pein. The leader cleared his throat before continuing. "The recent bombings, days of awkward silence, disappearance of kunais and attempted rapes have led us to believe that we need to work a few issues out."

"So we're not leaving this room until this is over!" Konan declared.

"Mind explaining what 'it' is?" Sasori asked, hugging Deidara to his chest.

"THIS!" Konan held up several slips of paper and pencils. "You guys are going to write down your complaints and put them in this basket!" She motioned to a small wicker container on the floor. "After you finish, we'll draw out the problems and see what can be done about them, ok? Oh, and these can be completely anonymous too."

"Oh for Jashin's sake, this is the most-"

"Hidan, shut the hell up and do it." Kakuzu was flipped off for his command, but after that the only problem occurred when both halves a Zetsu wanted a piece of paper.

"And just to be fair, Pein and I will fill out papers too!" Konan said.

"Not happening," Pein stated flatly.

Konan glared at him. "Do it or I'll castrate you with a badger."

"BadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerMUSHROOM!"

"Tobi shut up, un!"

As soon as everyone had filled out their papers Konan passed the basket around. Once it was returned to her, she reached in and pulled out the first piece of paper. "My problem is that a have an organization of idiots working for me."

"HEY!" the Akatsuki shouted, glaring at Pein.

"….Ok, get Pein more Advil. Let's see…." She pulled out another piece of paper. "Zetsu keeps stealing my bodies and eating them before I can make them into art." A sick look crossed her face. "Um, ok, Zetsu, from now on you're only allowed to eat people you go out and catch yourself, I guess."

"Dear Jashin, how long is this going to last?"

"Shut up, you little zealot."

"Make me asshole."

"Calm down!" Konan was beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea. "Ok, let's see….my problem is I'm scared that if I leave my room I'm gonna get raped." She gave the paper a flat look and scanned her eyes over the group. "All right, who wrote this?"

"You said this was anonymous, un!"

"That answers my question. Deidara, leave the room for a sec, ok?"

"Huh? Why, un?"

"Because I said so. Now move it or I'll use the badger on you!"

"Badgerbadger-"

WHAM

"Oww!"

Deidara smirked as he left the room. Konan made sure he was a good distance away from the room before turning back to the group. "Now, show of hands. Given the opportunity, who would rape Deidara?"

Every hand but Sasori's went up. "I don't need to rape him," the puppeteer said with a shrug.

Konan gave them an incredulous look, before fetching Deidara. "What happened, un?"

"Nothing. But you're getting enrolled in a self-defense class." Deidara looked nervously around the room before climbing back into Sasori's lap. "Now then…someone keeps eating my leftovers in the fridge. Do you know how hard it is to refrigerate that stuff? Quit touching the blue Tupperware container." She looked around. "Just out of curiosity, whose food is that?"

"Mine," Zetsu growled. Hidan turned green and ran out of the room, retching. **"I KNEW IT!"**

Konan was looking rather green by now, but kept going. "Alrighty then. My partner is a short-tempered dumbass…erm, these next few lines have to be censored…..asshole who doesn't give a damn about me. Give me a new partner before I snap, dammit." Konan raised a brow, digging her hand down into the basket and pulling out another paper. "Ok, this says my parent focuses too heavily on religion, and doesn't give a damn about anyone besides his precious god. Hidan and Kakuzu, you wrote these, right?"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I FUCKING FOCUS TOO MUCH ON MY RELIGION, YOU ASSHOLE?!"

"Exactly what I said! And what do you mean I don't give a damn about you?!"

"Quality time for Kakuzu and Hidan," Konan said, grabbing the two Akatsuki and dragging them into the hallway. She pulled open the door to the broom closet and roughly shoved them inside, locking the door behind her. "You two aren't leaving until you work things out!" she shouted at their screams, spinning on her heels and walking back into the living room. "Now, let's see who's left!" She reached into the basket again. "Someone keeps stealing my shampoo." Her eyes traveled to Itachi. "Fine. Itachi, you have permission to kill anyone you catch stealing your shampoo, ok?"

"That works," Itachi answered, failing to notice Deidara pale behind him. "Next one! No one thinks I'm a good boy. Hmm, buy Tobi some self-help tapes….that leaves Kisame!" Konan pulled out the last piece of paper. "My partner has the emotional abilities of a rock."

Everyone froze.

"Kisame, come here." The shark gulped; this couldn't end well. He obeyed the Uchiha and stood in front of him. Itachi rose to his feet, eyes glued to Kisame. He motioned with his finger for Kisame to come closer, and the shark reluctantly obeyed. As soon as the taller man was close enough, Itachi pulled him into a teeth-crashing kiss, shocking everyone in the room. "Our room. Now." Kisame nodded and picked up the weasel, carrying him off.

"Let's see how Kakuzu and Hidan are doing." She walked into the hallway and returned a moment later with a nosebleed. "They're fine. Just fine.

"…Well, that's everything! See ya!" Konan said, watching the Akatsuki leave before departing herself.

Pein was about to follow when he realized he hadn't seen what Konan had written. Curious, he pulled out her paper. "My problem is that my partner always put his work before me." Pein frowned. "I do?"

Konan was sitting in the living room when she heard the front door open and shut. "I'm back," Pein called out.

"Hey," she responded. "Where'd you go?"

He walked into the room, carrying a cardboard container under his arm. "The grocery store. I picked up some chocolate ice cream. It's your favorite, right?"

Konan pounced on him, sending them both to the floor. "Welcome home, oh love of my life!"


End file.
